The line between anxiety and safety can be thin.
It’s part of the reason anxiety sufferers hold on so tightly.
In a different article, I wrote about how to cure anxiety. And I also acknowledged that the work is not always easy.
In a way, consider this entire website an attempt to uncover the things that can stand in the way, and how to overcome them.
In my work, I have seen two big triggers that people struggle with.
They come in the form of two questions: “What is the right thing to do” and “ Who says I’m wrong”.
“What is the right thing to do?”
Often, the right behavior can be easy to identify.
Many anxiety sufferers have triggers that even they can clearly see as things to overcome for a shot at a good life.
The voice inside correctly guides them to take healthy action in line with their values despite what the anxious thoughts say.
Get on that airplane so you can see your ailing mother.
Ignore the stove so you can attend college.
Leave your room so you can go buy groceries.
But sometimes it is not so clear what the un-anxious thing to do is.
If your marriage makes you miserable, should you leave your spouse and children or stay? If you leave, can you live with the guilt? Will you really be happier? If you stay, can you live with the guilt? Will you really be happier?
If your job makes you miserable, should you quit or stay? If you quit, who will pay the bills? Can you live with the stress of not knowing what's next? If you stay, will this mean you bailed on your own dreams?
Should you beat up that schoolyard bully if you weigh a 105 lbs? Does your answer change if you weigh 305 lbs? Does it still change if he swears at your little sister?
These are issues with high stakes. Their answers are not exactly easy.
An indisputably wise behavior for one person could very well be an indisputably un-wise behavior for another.
And so, the right thing to do is circumstantial.
It depends.
It varies.
It is not so black-and-white.
No one else can prescribe it for you either.
In fact, chances are you might feel you’re in this mess because you bought into someone else's definition of the right behavior.
But even then, in these gray area matters, the person does not struggle so much with not knowing what to do.
Usually, he knows exactly what he wants to do based on his current circumstances.
"No, I’m not leaving my job", "Yes, I’m asking for a divorce", "No, I’m not punching that bully."
He struggles more with how to comfortably accept his decision for himself and by himself, and the repercussions thereafter.
Anxiety comes from being scared of facing the possibility of making a mistake.
And even then, if you're truly honest, you secretly know that if a mistake were to happen, most likely you will not see it as a mistake but as a learning experience.
So whose voice are you really scared of?
You think it's your own that will tell you in the future "You're a god forsaken fool to have done that".
And you're right. It is your voice.
But how the heck did you learn to be so self-punitive?
And how the heck did you get to thinking that it all has to be perfectly flawless all the time.
The work here is to fix these areas. Of self-judgment and perfectionism.
It is not about finding a black-and-white answer. When it comes to living and relating, there usually are none.
It's learning how to sit comfortably with the uncertainty and ambiguity that immediately arises when "black" and "white" are removed from the picture.
Sitting with ambiguity trains you to stop worrying about questions that indeed cannot be answered in the moment.
Whether your divorce makes you better off or worse can only be seen in the future. Even if all day today, you asked five relatives, five friends, and then finally at night, dove into your own imaginary predictions.
There's another reason why people don't know what is the right thing to do.
It's because all of their identity comes from their distortions. Remove the distortions and you strip away who they are.
"If I am not allowed to be catastrophic and angry, then who am I? I will wither away into nothing."
Or it could mean you start again from a clean slate.
This can be excruciating terrifying or insanely liberating. You choose.
Who says I’m wrong?
In this camp of people, they don’t always see their choices as dictated by anxiety. They see them as guided by wisdom.
“But I saw it with my own eyes. It all happened in front of me. I saw how, if only he had cared more about his health, and consulted more doctors, he might have been alive today.”
“You don’t know that.”
“True.”
It was heartbreaking to know how he lost someone dear to him from a medical illness.
It was equally heartbreaking to hear him say health anxiety was ruining his life.
“You know that I can’t tell you to not see a doctor, right? You know that every time someone discusses fears for their health, we can only tell you to visit a doctor”.
“Yes, I know. But my doctors have told me nothing is wrong. Even I know nothing is wrong. But how can I be sure? What if I lose my life from being irresponsible and not seeing another doctor, just like he did?”
I believe I have said this up front on this website, and I’ll say it again.
If you have anxiety, you are incredibly smart.
As a reader, let me ask you: isn’t it a darn good question we are all asking, “How can I be sure?”
When the stakes are this high, and when your fears are about losing things you deeply care about, such as your health, your loved ones, your sanity and your safety, who says you’re wrong to want to remove everything that can stand in the way?
So you do whatever you think is rational.
"Are you crazy? Get another medical exam. Go to another doctor. What if they're wrong? It happens all the time. Better to be safe than ill or worse, die. Is it really worth the risk?" (Health Anxiety)
"Are you crazy? Protect your house from burning down by checking the stove again. Maybe ten times wasn't enough. Maybe you made a mistake. Is it really worth the risk?" (Obsessions)
"Are you crazy? You know how bad that panic attack can be. Don't leave your room. Never leave the house. Protect yourself. Is it really worth the risk?" (Panic Attacks)
"Are you crazy? Don't go to the party. People don't like you. You're weird and awkward. How many more times do you need to experience the shame? Is it really worth the risk?" (Social Anxiety)
"Are you crazy? Don't even think about giving yourself another chance. Is it really worth the risk" (Life)
So, you rationally believe the only options available to you are the ones you finally choose.
"What's wrong with them?", you asked.
"What's wrong with caring enough to preserve the things I love?”
Nothing really.
Except that your parallel fight to wish these fears away also reveals that you value something else.
Perhaps even more.
You value both your desire and your right to live less in an imagined future, and instead, more peacefully in the present moment.
If your fears get in the way of living up to your own cherished values and goals, then it’s no surprise that you now see them as a problem.
When you start imposing rigid, inflexible rules and limits that have to be met in order for you to experience life, soon the edges of life start closing in on you.
Eventually, what remains is a very narrow range within which life is behaving itself properly to keep you feeling safe.
Except that that is no longer the life that we want to live.
So in the process, you don't win over life by playing it safe.
You lose.
And eventually, that realization is the most painful.
Maybe your wife leaves you because you spend more time with the stove than worrying about the family.
Eventually, this will bother you.
Maybe you are excruciatingly lonely staying in your room all day to prevent that panic attack. And then one day, you realize the gravity of your fears and have a panic attack anyway, nestled in your room.
Eventually, this will bother you.
Maybe you never realized your dreams & your purpose because of your fear of people & their judgments.
Eventually, this will bother you.
Maybe, ironically, you develop psychosomatic illnesses despite all the obsessive worrying about "real" illnesses.
Eventually this will bother you.
The line between anxiety and safety can be thin.
Start to recognize which side you’re on, and whether, after everything you’ve been through by now, you still want to stay there.